Joys of Domesticity
by Oneturtledove
Summary: Mulder and Scully set up the homestead and later reflect on the hilarity of the situation. More chapters to come.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Crunch 'N Munch

Spoilers: Up to Arcadia

A/N: Yes, another Arcadia fic. I got this idea while ringing up the 150 or so people that came through my line in about 3 hours today. Half bought cigarettes, half asked where the ice was, and half of them were confused when I answered "in the freezer." The fourth half all paid in change. Just change.

This story could be a prequel and post fic also for my other Arcadia story "Let's Be Us Again." They could also stand alone. Because I'm rad like that.

Rad is not in my computer's dictionary. Fail, Microsoft. FAIL.

* * *

"Well," Mulder began, tossing his phone onto the dashboard. "They won't have the key ready for an hour and a half."

Scully arched an eyebrow. She was hating this case already and just wanted it to be over. First catch back on the X-Files, first snag back on the X-Files. Sweet irony.

"Well what are we supposed to do until we can get into the house?"

"Go pocketbooking?"

"What are those of us who are not 15 supposed to do?"

"You said we needed groceries."

"I did say that. But I kind of thought that we would keep up the image and I would go shopping while you sat on the couch and scratched or something."

"This will be fun. We'll be like newlyweds."

"Did you happen to snatch that barf bag from the airplane?"

"No, I was too busy checking out that stewardess."

"Flight attendant."

"Why are you in such a bad mood?"

She sighed and shook her head. It was much easier to fling her burning barbs of verbiage than it was to say "I'm mad at you."

"Fine, have it your way, but don't say I never cared," he said, starting the car.

"Can I think it?"

"This is going to be a really long case," he muttered, heading down the street towards their subdivision.

"Where are we going?"

"Store."

"For?"

"Food."

"What store?"

He pointed as he pulled into the parking lot.

"There."

"So are you going to play the mono-syllabic game all day or will it go away once that stick that's up your butt falls out?"

"Stick up my butt? MY butt? Have you looked in a mirror today Scully?"

"What?"

"I know you're mad at me. I think I know why, but frankly, that horse is dead. Take the saddle off and get out of the stable. Just get over it."

"Why do you even care if I get over it or not?"

"Because the not getting over it is turning you into... a person I never thought you were capable of being."

"Ouch."

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice immediately softening.

"No, you're right."

"Maybe, but not that harshly."

"No, I haven't been fair. You're my partner. You shouldn't have to earn the benefit of the doubt."

"I think we both have a lot we need to say on the subject, but I think it might be best if we put that away until we get home. This conversation deserves to be had somewhere other than a mini-van."

She smiled a little.

"Alright. We'll wait until we get home. But if my PMS rears its ugly head again, it's not my fault."

"I was already counting on that."

"You were?"

"Why do you think the last week of every month on my calendar says "Hit the Deck" in big black letters?"

"It's usually safer not to wonder about those things."

He rolled his eyes as they got out of the car and headed into the store.

"So what are we shopping for, Scully?" Mulder asked as he wrestled one cart away from the others.

"I don't know, this was your idea."

"Well, pretend it was yours."

She sighed.

"I suppose we'd better decide what we're going to want to eat while we're here."

"What can you cook?"

"You're expecting me to do the cooking?"

"I'd do it, but it might kill us."

"It can't be that bad."

"Last time I was in the kitchen, a can of soup ended in a small fire. We're safer if you do this."

"You're probably right. Okay, come on."

"Can we get cereal?"

"Of course. Make sure you get something with lots of sugar in it."

"Really?"

"Yes. What, do you think I eat Grape Nuts every morning? I am strictly a Cocoa Puffs kind of girl."

"If you drink the milk after it turns chocolaty, then you're the perfect woman."

She just smiled.

* * *

"Can we get Twinkies?"

"I don't like Twinkies. I want Ding-Dongs."

"What about Ho-Ho's?"

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"Then why did you say you wanted Ding-Dongs if you could have said Ho-Ho's?"

"Because Ding-Dongs were on the shelf."

"Oh. How about a box of Swiss Rolls?"

"Sure. And grab a box of those Cosmic Brownies too."

He tossed both boxes into the cart. They landed among the cookies, Goldfish Crackers, and 4 different kinds of frozen pizza.

"Scully, do you think we should try and get some food that won't leave us writhing in pain on the floor?"

"So you're saying you want some macaroni and cheese?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"We should not go grocery shopping when we're hungry."

"I wish you would have said that twenty minutes ago."

She just shrugged and steered the cart over to the produce section.

"Hey Scully, can we get some apples?"

"Sure."

"And this caramel apple making kit?"

There was a long pause and they just stared at each other for a moment before Mulder bowed his head and silently put the caramel back on the shelf.

"It was a valiant effort," she remarked, putting a few cucumbers into a plastic bag.

"I guess."

They continued to wander around the store, filling the cart. They probably ended up with enough food for three weeks, but if Mulder was going to eat, that would be reduced exponentially.

"I need some sunscreen," Scully commented as they approached the section of the store that carried those types of items at ridiculously expensive prices.

"Why?"

"Because it's California."

"It's winter."

"It's California, and it's me."

He smirked and held up a small cardboard box.

"Hey Scully..."

"You're really milking this, aren't you?"

"Like a lactating cow."

"We need to get you out of this aisle. It's adding words to your vocabulary that I don't really want there."

"Why are there scented and unscented tampons?"

"Grow up, Mulder."

"Look, you're blushing!"

"I can't look at myself blush," was the only comment she could think of in rebuttal before she turned the cart around and headed for the check out.

"Hey wait! I'm sorry. I won't make any more inappropriate family planning jokes!"

She snickered as she looked back at him.

"You just shouted that so the whole store could hear. I just want you to know that."

"People rarely listen to me anyway."

"That's what I'm counting on."

They began to load their groceries onto the conveyor and Mulder arched his eyebrows.

"I thought we agreed on one gallon of ice-cream."

"I like variety."

"We're gonna be so sick."

She just shrugged.

* * *

Ten minutes later, they had loaded all the groceries into the car and were finally ready to head to the house.

"I'm starving, Scully."

"Me too."

She searched through the bags for a moment and handed him the box of Swiss Rolls.

"You're letting me have dessert before dinner?"

"Only if you share."

He nodded and opened the box, handing her a small cake before they got in the car. If he could just figure out how to keep her in this mood, this case might not be such torture after all.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Would you believe that I forgot about this story? Well, I did. I really, truly had it all planned out. Then it sorta died in the back of my mind. I apologize.

* * *

Scully rolled her neck and sighed, flicking a strand of hair off her forehead. It was hot out. Even worse in this stupid cardigan that was attached to the stupid tank top underneath, so she couldn't even take it off. She pulled at the fabric and sighed again.

"Scully, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just hot."

"We'll be out of here soon enough. Back to the bitter cold of DC."

"Maybe I don't want to go back just yet."

"Well that's good because I just talked to Skinner."

"And?"

"Unless we want to sleep in an airport in Wisconsin tonight, he couldn't book a flight for us."

"Hey, as long as we get a roach free motel tonight, I don't mind leaving in the morning."

"I like you when you're agreeable."

"If that's a crack at my crankiness lately… well then okay."

He smiled and watched out the rearview mirror as their moving van took the exit for the FBI field office. Case closed. It was a relief. He'd enjoyed being so close to Scully, able to tease and touch and being able to blame it on the case. He knew she liked it too, even despite the death dagger stares she had been shooting at him. Things had been so weird lately, and then they'd had to use this case to find their rhythm again. Challenging but rewarding. No other way to describe it.

"Want to stop somewhere for lunch or do you want to get a place first?"

"Let's find a place before it gets too late. I don't want to have to share a room with you again."

"Hey, you were the one who let me sleep in your bed."

"Well yeah, but I didn't have the energy to fight you. And I know the only time you'll ever sleep properly in a bed is if I'm in there too."

They just looked at each other for a second.

"Wow. Taken out of context…" he muttered.

"We'd better never discuss this again."

"So for the sake of my REM sleep, are you gonna let me sleep next to you again tonight?"

"For the sake of my REM sleep, no. You talk in your sleep."

"I do?"

"We had a long conversation about laundry and where missing socks go."

"Are you pulling my leg?"

"A little. You talk in your sleep, but it's mostly just gibberish."

"So nothing interesting then?"

"The farkenhooven hablaken in the barkenshu with the abishabadabby."

"What?"

"I was confused too."

He chuckled and guided the mini-van onto an exit ramp.

"How does a Best Western sound?"

"It sounds like a very good idea."

"I bet they even have a continental breakfast in the morning."

"Livin' large," she commented, adjusting her sunglasses.

They pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. The sun beat down on them, despite it being February, and they hurriedly walked into the air conditioned lobby. Mulder managed to get them two rooms and all too soon, they were headed back outside to grab their bags. They lugged them upstairs to their rooms and Scully collapsed on her bed. The heat and the case had completely sapped her strength. She would have fallen asleep right there, had it not been for Mulder knocking on their connecting door.

"Scully, unlock your side. I have to ask you something!"

She stood up and unlatched the door with a sigh. Mulder was standing on the other side, holding up his rumpled, pink polo shirt.

"Scully, how did this make it into my suitcase?"

"I don't know," she said, shrugging as she moved back towards the bed.

"You didn't put it there?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Mulder, as much as the memory of you in that shirt amuses me, I didn't plant it in your suitcase."

"Why does it amuse you?"

"Because. You're you. And it's pink," she explained, starting to laugh. "And it's yuppie. And you wore Dockers with it. And it has a frickin' alligator on it!"

She started to laugh harder than he had ever heard her laugh before. She was holding her sides and had to sit down on the bed to keep from falling over.

"And that sweater around your neck! That was too much. I thought I was going to die!"

She had laughter tears in her eyes as she lay back against the bed.

"What about you and that green goopy mask?" he asked, beginning to laugh himself as he joined her on the bed. "You looked like the swamp thing."

"But what about the look on your face when I came out of the bathroom? I don't think I can ever look at you with a straight face again."

"I caught you singing in the shower!

"I caught you dancing in the kitchen in your boxers, using a mop as a dance partner!"

She was laughing hysterically now, rolling back and forth on the bed and clutching her stomach. He'd never seen her so completely surrendered to happiness before. He'd always wanted this for her; the laughter and the joy and taking pleasure in the simple things. He wanted her to be crazy, dancing in the rain, jumping up and down kind of happy. He watched as laughter tears streamed down her face and the sunlight glinted off her hair. He couldn't remember when she'd looked more beautiful, and he found himself inching closer to her, running his fingers through her hair. Her laughter slowed, but her smile remained as she looked up at him.

"Mulder?"

"Hmm?"

"What are you-"

His lips captured hers, cutting off the rest of her question. It took her less than a second to start kissing him back, and around five seconds for him to pull away.

"Scully, I'm-"

"If you say you're sorry, I'm going to backhand you," she whispered, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling him back towards her. This kiss was longer and deeper and they were both near panting when they pulled apart.

"Okay. Now I kissed you back. We're even. It can't be awkward now, right?"

"Scully, that's like spinning the other direction to get undizzy."

"Crap. That never works."

He sat up and ran his hand through his hair.

"I think this being married stuff went to our heads."

"I think you're right," she agreed, sitting up. Her hair was gorgeously tousled, and he had to sit on his hand to keep from running his fingers through it again.

"Scully, we can't do this."

"I know. Besides the obvious messiness of it, we're dealing with way too much stuff right now to be able to give _that_ enough attention."

"Someday, maybe. But we can't start a relationship right now."

"I wish we could," she blurted out before she could stop herself.

"Me too. But hey, if it makes you feel any better, you kiss good."

She blushed and stood up from the bed.

"Right back at you. Now it might be a good idea for us to get out of here for a while."

"Yeah. Let's go for a walk."

She followed him out the door and they started to walk down the street.

"Hey Scully?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for being married to me."

She snickered as his arm slid around her shoulders. Ah, the joys of domesticity.


End file.
